The closest thing to god

Ma was a deeply religious person. She was like that from a young age. Chotumashi told me about how as a young girl she would wake up, get dressed for the day and pluck flowers from their garden - even the ones that were hard to get to. She would use them as her puja offerings. As long as I have known her, I associated her with the smell of incense at dusk every evening when she sat down for her puja with flowers and all. Baba also did his puja and I always thought that she was religious because his family was very religious. What I realized is she had her own spiritual quest. 

When our family went through rough times she turned to not just her daily ritual of prayers but she really wanted to turn inward. She attended Vedanta lectures, read esoteric texts and tried to imbibe them. This was around the same time I became keenly interested in Vedanta. We went to lectures together and talked about what we heard. 

She kept up her practices and tried to meditate more. She spent a lot of time reading spiritual books and introduced me to many. She was simple and pure in her approach to divinity. She didn’t question or try to rationalize things. She simply believed the words and hoped they would show her the way. 

I instead intellectualized it. I even wanted to study Vedanta. During the time I applied for my grad studies in the US I was caught by this idea I would be a real philosopher. My father was upset I was throwing away the opportunity of becoming a PhD. Ma instead helped me think through it. She took me to Kolkata to speak to our family elders and guru. I remember the conversation I had with him and my mother present. It boiled down to Herman Hesse’s message in Siddhartha. That Vedanta cannot be practiced in a vacuum. That I needed to set forth, live life and find myself. 

I had forgotten about that trip until a few days ago. It was a turning point in my life. It changed everything. It made me who I am today. Some days when I feel guilty and regretful that I spent the last 15 years away from Ma I recall that she was so instrumental in me taking this step. I left. I came here. Got my degree. Met my husband. The rest is history. 

So that was Ma. She didn’t make fiery speeches to me. She didn’t plead with me. She simply said if you need to talk to someone who can give you clarity (because they had obviously failed making sense to me), she would just be there along the way. She came with me. I went with her, a tormented soul, unsure of what I was about to do. I came back with less fear and much peace. Without her I couldn’t have found the courage to find my own path. Her unconditional love itself is a testimony of the divine. 

Over time I became far less religious given my proclivity towards over intellectualizing. At least the traditional brand of religion I didn’t accept anymore. I still believed there had to be something more and my mother also showed me the way there. And now from the beyond she continues to nudge me to finding my own path. Her passing away has been part traumatic and part transformative, the latter still unfolding slowly. I hope she will guide the way she did for me all those years ago because I need her to. After all, she is the closest thing I’ve experienced to god.