Selfless

Didi’s last post got me thinking about Ma and really how her entire world revolved around us. The downside to that is she gave up a lot for our benefit. Plenty of sacrifices were made. When I was a little girl my entire identity centered around Ma. There may have been a handful of times that she wasn’t home when I returned from school or college. She was always there. Which is why it makes it hard to imagine a world where she’s not there. How could that be? How can she not be there? The indignance of it!

Plenty of people tell me how she lived a full life which makes it seem like losing a mother at this age must be totally okay. I also thought that. I mean I’m old enough. It’s normal right. Except that I have that many more years of memories to claw into my mind. And I need her that much more as I navigate my own motherhood and wifehood. 

My mother was never judgmental. I think Deblina nailed it. She just always loved. And she stood by. How can anyone get love like that anywhere else today? Even as recently as 4 months ago i was telling her about a job opportunity in Seattle where Bharath wouldn’t be able to move. She didn’t say, are you crazy? She quietly said, yes you must look at your career but it will be difficult moving away from family. No judgment. 

She was never mean. Nagging? Yes. Rude? Never. Probably the only person who got the short side of her temper was Baba. But she doted on us. Always spoke to us in this lilting sing-song way always so full of love. Did we return the favor? Hell no. We took her for granted. We yelled at her. We were short tempered. Always that exasperated, “Ma!”  Over time she lived in a shadow of that fear of being scolded. “Amake bokbe”, I will get scolded she would say. 

A selfish bunch we were. And now we bear this heavy punishment for losing our tempers with her. We all did. Not one innocent one in this family. And she never yelled back. Sometimes it went too far and she would cry. But it lasted a few minutes. There wasn’t much ego in her to let it linger or bear grudges. With Baba it wasn’t always so easy to be forgiven. But it was so easy with her that we repeatedly broke the faultlines and she repeatedly forgave us. 

The regret that I have the most beyond that is just pure neglect. Neglecting to return her calls because they had become one sided conversations where she would keep talking and I wouldn’t get a word in. Or she couldn’t hear what I said. Irritation would boil up and I wouldn’t want to talk more. And now what would I give to hear her monologues. 

She came last to visit in 2015. We had a lovely time. We visited Los Angeles with her cousin. We went to museums. Arhan was two. She visited her American cousins and aunt in Houston. 

In 2016, she wanted to visit. We put it off. We went to India instead. But on our visits, we have too many other priorities. She too was busy with taking care of everyone’s needs. I was torn myself between taking care of my own family’s vacation desires and wanting to spend time with her. Finally on the last day we said we would spend the night at the Hilton near the airport. She was heartbroken. She thought she had done something wrong. I was so torn in trying to keep up with everyone’s expectations. But i made her promise she and Baba would come and spend the day with us. So we ended up having a lovely day by the pool. We had lunch at one of the 5 star restaurants. We spent the afternoon in the hotel room. Then Didi and Kedar and Girik also came and that’s when we took the pictures. It turned out to be a nice time and she was relaxed and happy. 

She was supposed to come visit in 2017. But she had a couple of bad health episodes and we decided it was too risky for the long flight. Probably a smart move but it haunts me she couldn’t visit. She badly wanted to come. She would tell me of so and so who’s mom was unwell went to America and so and so who took their ailing mom to holidays etc. I used to get annoyed at the hankering. Instead I visited her for a short trip in June. She was quite ailing. It was a sweet trip. She made lunch for my visiting friends. She made dinner for our family friends including her world famous mutton. Girik would come over and she coddled him (I found her taking his socks off for him while he played video games).  I fell ill on the last day and she decided to come with Baba to drop me at the airport. She was barely well herself having had fever and stomach issues. 

And then the next time I would see her is in that blasted hospital ward. It is ironic that the time I spent with her then probably totaled greater than the hours in all the above visits combined. Shame. But I spoke a lot to her. Made her speak to me. She seemed to come out of her shell and talk though she was so weak. For once I wasn’t selfish with her. For once I gave her 100% of my time and attention. Ironically those hospital days will be my sum total of best, recent memories with her. At least that will tinge my regret a shade lighter.