Last Christmas...

I miss her so much. Last christmas I was with her. And I didn’t even know she wouldn’t be here this year. We had plans to go back to India this year too, to spend the holidays with them. But that was not to be. If only I’d known. I’d have done things differently. Paid more attention to what mattered. 

I don’t know why but I had a sense that my time with my aging parents was numbered. Somehow I felt I needed to spend more time with them. The last years trip was so that we could all be together. Didi and her family and our family with Ma and Baba. We had that time together and I was thankful. But I felt torn between what everyone else wanted and I feel like I never did justice to why I was actually there. To be with them. And along with the memories of last year, I carry around this guilt. 

She bought a little Christmas tree for Arhan. She sent me a whatsapp message telling me that. Arhan loved the tree. We went to get more ornaments and even put some lights on the tree. 

There was always such a flurry of activity and in everyone’s agenda Ma’s agenda was always toppled over. But she never complained. She was happy with what she got. Her time with her grandkids and her babies. But if I had known this was our last Christmas together I’d have done things differently. And so with all the memories I carry around this guilt.