Going into the holidays...

I found this really lovely post on motherloss written by a girl who was 19 when her mother passed. All I could think of was wow I’m glad I got the extra 18+ years with my mom because when I was 19 she was my world. Yes I had a steady boyfriend and tons of friends and I had my usual skirmishes with her I still depended heavily on her. 

So that’s the only difference. I did get married and have a child and moved away and I didn’t depend on her as much. Except that I was wrong. I didn’t know how fundamental she was to my life. She was like the earth beneath my feet that gave me courage to do all that I did. And now I feel rather floorless. How do I mother this child with the feeling of hollowness that I have? The same hollowness that my mother promised would visit me when it was my turn to lose my mom. Why did you let it happen to me Ma?

The article talks about the healing power of time or lack thereof. Or the firsts of many - thanksgiving, Christmas, birthdays, anniversaries, Diwali, pujo which we will have to endure without her. Will it really get easier? This article doesn’t give much hope. 

Everyday is different. Incrementally better in the sense I am getting used to the emptiness. The constant feeling of sadness in the background. My brain seems be functioning a bit more. I can focus on analytical tasks. Sometimes. I’ll be okay as scores of people on this planet eventually do. I’ll have less to articulate and just more of the feeling inside. 

The first Christmas without her. The first wedding anniversary she won’t be calling me. The first New Year’s Eve I won’t get a happy message. And so on. This is the first sense of hurt I can’t turn to her to help me face.