Cooking with Ma in my heart

Since a few months I’ve taken to almost exclusively enjoy Indian food. I enjoy Chinese too but just feel like as I age, I crave the food I grew up with. Not just Bengali but all of it. 

But since Ma passed, I’m almost desperately trying to remember the taste of her cooking. Of course I’ve tried so many times to recreate. But it’s never right. I tried making mocha ghonto today. Here’s the recipe I got from Ma on whatsapp in Aug 26:....

8/26/17, 1:15:34 AM: Ma: To cut mocha is little bit difficult,if u got already cut it is good,otherwise u have to remove একটা শক্ত কাঠি আছে ভিতরে u have to remove,then cut small ,pressure cook,after getting cool smash,throw water,put oil incarai,jeera,tejpata and sukno Lanka tadka,jingerpest,haldi,jeerapowder,Hing,salt,sugar along with water জল শুকিয়ে গেলে ঘি গরম মসলা গুঁড়া দিয়ে নামিয়ে ফেল

8/26/17, 1:16:44 AM: Ma: খিচুড়ি ভাসা

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The can of Mocha is still in the pantry. So since  Amlan is coming i decided to make mocha and some maacher kalia (fish curry). But in multitasking I burned the jeera phoron. When it was done, I tasted the dish and thought, not bad. Almost heard Ma in my head saying, “bhaloi hoyeche, o kichu hobena, cholejabe”. That felt surreal yet I felt like she was standing and talking to me. I looked out the window and in the darkness I saw my reflection. It wasn’t me. It was a little girl staring back with hands awkwardly dangling, mouth open, looking rather lost and alone.